I admit that I am a little nervous about my calling to religious life. Not because I am against it in any way but because it must be acknowledged I will have to give things up, important things which I once deemed to be part of my identity…
However we all know that God loves us too much to leave us the way He finds us. Sometimes we must change, though it hurts a little, in order to best serve Him.
I can no longer be the quiet artist who sits for hours drawing in her room. Not that I will have to cease all my artwork in religious life- no, I only will have to stop immersing myself into my fantasy world, stop creating other worlds. This will be very difficult as creating worlds is one of my favorite pastimes! Yet I know that through my art, God wants me to enrich THIS world and speak of the world to come.
I will have to give up the goth-image. Not that I have to stop loving dark cathedrals, gargoyles candles and such but no more black nail polish, chains and spikey things. No more angry music. Another part of me has to go away…
Moreso, I will have to destroy the part of me that loves getting attention from men. This could be the hardest as it is built into my human nature and into my psyche. Attention from men after all, tells me that I am likable, that I am desired and attractive. It tells me that it’s fun to be pursued. However let’s face it, this high from this is short-lived and dies really quick. Feelings of being desired and loved by men will never fill that void inside that thirsts for union with God. Even should I enter into a relationship, it would never satisfy me in the end! The only man I want pursuing me is Jesus, my High-Priest!
I have to relinquish the loud and proud side of me who makes bold displays and takes charge. This doesn’t mean my personality must be dropped at the convent door only that it needs to be simmered and made more a witness of Christian life. Mentioning that I may have to give up my possessions seems a moot point because that will be far easier than changing myself.
I guess this is what Paul means when he says “I die every day”. One might think that giving up all these things will rob me, be a death sentence to my once-vibrant personality but the prospect, though it makes me afraid, makes me somewhat joyful. God doesn’t want to take away our vibrancy and zest for life, He wants to change us so we can live more fully! In serving Him, we can’t be too full of ourselves that His work cannot be done. Maybe when He asks something great like this from us, it’s for the best? Yes, it’s hard to change who we think we are but think, for the best! Christ has come to this earth as a man, not afraid to give up the luxuries of heaven or His divine countenance. He altered himself into the form of a slave to do His Father’s work. He has come so we may have life and have it more abundantly!!
Help me decrease so He can increase. I ask for your prayers. Pray for me that if the sacrifice is demanded of me, I do not flee. Pray I receive the grace of perseverance. Pray that I have courage to say “Your will be done”- and mean it.