Category: religion(humor)


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The fifth book of “The Misadventures of Cardinal Fratelli series.” A cardinal’s life is full of duties, documents, appointments and ceremonies, this young Fratelli knows well, and after a series of comical mishaps gets him to realize he’s being overworked, he decides upon a lovely vacation in Pisa to the south. He heads along the coast of Italy, reluctantly taking Gianni and several servants with him, including Jan, intent on soaking up the sunshine and lovely scenery.

However, Fratelli soon finds that even vacations can be thorny as the friendly Archbishop of Pisa wants help with many things, Gianni soon lands himself in trouble and the pestered cardinal just can’t seem to get any time alone! Will Fratelli get the vacation he’s always wanted- or disaster?

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Our friend, Cardinal Fratelli recently traveled to the US. Taking the time to wander downtown incognito, ie. not wearing clericals, he visited an average Catholic parish for Mass.  Here are his comments on the experience.

 

–  I settled in quite nicely. However, a woman’s low-cut dress offended my virgin eyes and a young man’s drooping trousers offended my intelligence.

– I didn’t understand the opening hymn, Gather Us In. Who exactly were they calling “rich and haughty”? Why do we need courage to enter “the song”? Indeed, I would like to know what “the song” is.

–  At the invocation of the Holy Trinity, I was rather distracted by a person nearby who signed the cross very rapidly, as if he were seized with terror.

–  One of the altar boys curiously resembled a girl.

– I could not smell any incense- they must have run out of it.

– After the first reading, I said “Deo gratias” very loudly while everyone else said “Thanks be to God”. A few strange looks were sent towards me.

– I waved to a little child and he threw his toy at me.

–  They provided nice, paper envelopes for our offering but I soon learned they were not made to hold coins.

–  At the Most-Holy Consecration, the priest turned his back to God which I thought was quite rude.

– The priest spoke the Canon of Consecration very stridently. My ears nearly started to hurt from the volume of his voice. He must be more accustomed to cathedral services…

–  When chanting the “Pater Noster”, someone forcefully grabbed my hand and I felt violated.

–   An army of lay-people suddenly appeared at the altar, they took the hosts and chalices from the priest. I wanted to stop them but no one seemed alarmed.

– I knelt to receive Holy Communion and was looked at strangely.

– The choir sang beautifully but their incessant hymns after Holy Communion made it difficult for me to pray very well.

– I don’t intend to fuss but I noticed some people departed immediately after Holy Communion. These should be taught proper manners.

–  For some odd reason, before the final benediction, there was a great deal of talk about confirmation classes, anniversaries, birthdays, raffles and bingo.

During a few conversations with fellow Catholics, some of whom are in my own parish, I noticed that some of them say the stupidest things. Their quotes are banal, their insights full of liberal tripe and their knowledge of the faith dismal. Here are a few gems I found especially frustrating. Some are strait from the horse’s mouth while others are paraphrased:

 

–          Did you know that St. Hildegard was the first feminist?

–         I am so glad Vatican II allowed lay-people to finally participate at Mass.

–          It would be so nice if the Church could sell all its nice things and give them to the poor!

–          I don’t believe all those rules about fasting but do I give up sweets every Lent.

–          I think they should get a woman pope in there; after all, women have better morals.

–          Martin Luther was right in getting Catholics to read the Bible more.

–          The musical experiments of the 70’s were such a great thing, they need to make Mass fresh and relevant.

–          I hope the next pope allows gay marriage and birth control- we need to get with the times!

–          What is liturgy?

–          Is Hosanna the name of Jesus’s daughter?

–          Ooh, let’s replace the Exultet at Easter with something by David Haas!

–          I’m glad Benedict XVI stepped down; he was taking the Church backwards.

–          Oh, I take communion at the Anglican church, it’s the same thing as ours.

–          You don’t really have to go to confession, it’s really meant for therapeutic purposes.

–          The reason we don’t have any more vocations is because the Church won’t let go of traditions.

–          I’m so glad Vatican II got rid of Latin, no one can understand it!

–          You don’t really need to believe in purgatory.

–          Back before the 1960’s, the priest used to turn his back on us during Mass, it was so rude.

–          I’m disappointed the Church never elected a black pope.

–          Priests should be able to get married because everyone knows men need to have sex.

–          I’m not raising my kid Catholic… he’s going to choose his own religion, but I’m having him baptized – because it’s my right.

–          The Protestants would join our church if we could just be more like them!

–          I won’t kiss the bishop’s ring, he’s only a man.

–          Gay marriage isn’t a problem as long as it doesn’t affect me.

–           Latin Mass is idiotic.

–          Married couples shouldn’t have any more than two children- it’s irresponsible.

–          Why doesn’t the Church treat women like people?

–          The Catechism has too many rules; it should really be all about love.

 

Jesus Facepalm

Just in time for Christmas, I published the 4th Misadventures of Cardinal Fratelli book on Kindle and Nook.

 

The Misadventures of Cardinal Fratelli endure in this 4th novella of the series. Easter Season, the holiest season of the year, comes into full swing. Following the death of his Aunt’s father, Cardinal Fratelli prepares for his youngest cousin, Philomena’s arrival. He has trouble adjusting to this new resident who draws the eyes of many young men- including the son of the Duke of Tuscany!
Meanwhile, the boy, Gianni, readies for his first communion. Michele, who is married to Fratelli’s brother, also prepares for something important: the birth of her first child. Surprises, mishaps- and party invitations, appear around every corner and Fratelli must balance being a pastor, a chaperone and a nephew as family dysfunction rears its ugly head!

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It is hilarious and well worth giving as a gift!

**In case you are wondering why I’m not posting any Christmas stuff yet, I’m still waiting until we are further along into Advent. I know Christmas is about more than just buying things, it is centered on the greatest moment in history when God became man! When time stood still and the Almighty entered into earthly life. The precise answer to mankind’s cry for a Savior. Oh darn, I just posted Christmas stuff!

Please consider buying my Cardinal Fratelli books for someone special this Christmas. Revolving around the mishaps of a blundering clergyman, they feature a light-hearted look at Christian faith, family and life. They are available on Amazon.com, Nook and Kindle!

 

 

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^ This is the first volume, it introduces us to the lovable character of Cardinal Fratelli and shows us the little mishaps that occur every day as he lives out his priestly vocation. See how profoundly, a relationship with the Lord effects his life in meaningful- and comical ways!

http://www.amazon.com/Misadventures-Cardinal-Fratelli-1/dp/1477632255/ref=la_B0074P0N5G_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1351615524&sr=1-1

 

 

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The second volume is all about Cardinal Fratelli’s plans for Christmas. Here, you get to meet his entire family and see their funny quirks. A strong message about the real reason for Christmas is also written into these pages. It is wonderful, endearing and hilarious!

http://www.amazon.com/The-Misadventures-Cardinal-Fratelli-Fratellis/dp/1478141514/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_2

 

 

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A FUNNY NEW YEAR!

 

 

 

 

A FELLOW AUTHOR READING MY BOOK, “THE MISADVENTURES OF CARDINAL FRATELLI”

 http://www.amazon.com/Misadventures-Cardinal-Fratelli-1/dp/1477632255/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1353968709&sr=1-1&keywords=misadventures+of+cardinal+fratelli 

 

HER BOOK IS TITLED “BLOOD AND MATZAH”

http://www.amazon.com/Blood-and-Matzah-ebook/dp/B006P3MCES

GET BOTH OF THEM!!!

The third book of the “Misadventures of Cardinal Fratelli” series is now available in paperback. Unlike the previous volumes, this book combines a murder mystery with its comedic element. and trust me, Cardinal Fratelli is hilarious as ever!

 

http://www.amazon.com/Misadventures-Cardinal-Fratelli-Constable/dp/1478164131/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341470816&sr=1-8

This is just a reminder folks, for anyone who didn’t see it before, that my first book, “The Misadventures of Cardinal Fratelli” is now available in paperback. It is also still on Kindle and NOOK. If you buy it you will see the fully edited chapters with scenes that aren’t on the blog chapters- hilarious scenes.

 

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To purchase the paperback edition, go to:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Misadventures-Cardinal-Fratelli-Volume/dp/1477632255/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339633360&sr=1-4 

 

Thank you so much for your readership and support!!! You guys are awesome.

My book “The Misadventures of Cardinal Fratelli” is now available AS A PAPERBACK!!!

purchasing details:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Misadventures-Cardinal-Fratelli-Volume/dp/1477632255/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339633360&sr=1-4

Praise God! (do happy dance)

Chapter 2.

A Ceremony.

 

Morning began nicely for Cardinal Fratelli. He rose, dressed, said morning- prayer, celebrated Mass and ate a hearty breakfast.  Right after finishing his eggs and pastry smeared with pepper jelly, he met with a priest from a neighboring parish, Father Adreo and they discussed opening on orphanage in Lucca.

“A wonderful idea,” Fratelli said, leaning back, sipping a hot cup of tea.

Dina quickly poured Adreo a cup but the young priest politely refused.

“This is something very close to my heart,” he then said.

Fratelli answered, “I have not a single problem with it long as we can raise funds and can find a proper location within the city…maybe I’ll look into something.”

“Oh thank you, Your Eminence,” Father Adreo said standing up.

He took Fratelli’s hand, kissed his ring and hurriedly departed. Both of them had quite a bit of work to do before noon.

Glad to have a moment of free time, Fratelli sat enjoying a cup of tea, watching bright, yellow afternoon sun spread through windows. Soon, Dina approached.

“A fine gentleman is here to see you, about a blessing in the town square?”

“Oh yes, I forgot!” Fratelli said, “They want me to bless Lucca’s newest water-fountain.”

It was custom for the bishop of Lucca to bless new fountains, statues and fixtures, and it would be a glamorous ceremony indeed. Gianni soon scampered in. The boy certainly hadn’t forgotten about it.
“Let’s go, let’s go!” he said, running in a circle.

“Please be calm Gianni,” Fratelli scolded, “I need you, after all, to the carry the train of my cappa- and to do so with dignity and grace.”

Hearing the word “cappa” made Gianni’s eyes light up even more. The long, bright scarlet cape was his favorite garment and he couldn’t wait for Fratelli to wear it. Fratelli however, could wait.

After meeting with the gentleman who then left, anxious to arrive at the ceremony, Fratelli slowly prepared and dressed for the occasion. Father Rodrigo approached with a younger deacon who worked in the parish. Lastly, Gianni came forth, sucking his stomach in to appear slimmer in his white server’s robes.  Much to Gianni’s anticipation, the two clerical assistants ahead of him wrapped the great, volumous cappa around Fratelli’s shoulders. Smiling proudly, Gianni held its train off the ground. Carefully, with help from Father Rodrigo, Gianni folded up the draping garment, making sure none of the fine cloth could snag or catch, as they neared an elaborate carriage. Together, they climbed aboard and headed to the town square. Now, the piazza was only a few blocks away, quite close to the cathedral, but they wouldn’t let the cardinal walk and risk dirtying his garb. It was important to make an entrance. Feeling a slight knot in his stomach, Fratelli could care less for entrances as he heard music playing in the distance.

People milled about the piazza, children ran to and fro, being reined in by their mothers, and several dignified individuals waited in a line. These greeted Cardinal Fratelli as he stepped out of his carriage.  Crowds and music clamored as they exchanged salutations. In an elaborate but small procession, Fratelli walked around the piazza, mouthing silent prayers. Draping behind him, the cappa stretched like a thick ribbon of red. Once nervous but now confident and regal, Fratelli smiled. He waved even more dramatically, inciting claps and cheers. The wind began picking up and his own excitement grew.

Suddenly a strong gust blew forth and sent the great cape billowing, Gianni almost lost grip on the cloth but he grabbed it. Something then tugged back. The boy tugged again- and again, there was resistance. Annoyed by all the tugging, Fratelli looked over his shoulder to find an edge of the cappa snagged on a nearby shrub!

His cheeks blushed from sheer embarrassment, seeing the many onlookers. Some of them, mostly children, giggled while a few women gaped in horror. He wished sorely to hide his face yet saw Gianni trying to free the cape, hands digging into the cloth.

“Careful, careful!” Fratelli said, rushing towards the snag and gently loosing it.

Finally, trying to forget the mishap, pushing it from his mind, Fratelli walked onwards. He reached the water fountain; its newly-hewn stone angels and fish decor gleaming grey beneath bright sunlight. Many eyes fell on him, eyes of every color as he began the blessing:

Lord Christ, thou art the fount of eternal life. You give us the water that lasts forever. Bless here, this fountain, I pray, assembled by human hands, for the good of this city and may it refresh our thirst and remind us of your gentle Providence, In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.”

Gianni would have readily mimicked Fratelli’s blessing gesture if his hands weren’t full of scarlet cloth. A band loudly played as people cheered. A few adolescent boys set off fire-crackers that sent smoke into the warm air. As Fratelli turned, one of the dignitaries stopped him. Asking:
“Your Eminence, won’t you stay for the music?”

“I apologize Signor, I have too much to do,” Fratelli answered.

The dignitary kissed Fratelli’s ring and gave farewell. Almost sadly, the cardinal took his leave. The whole way home, no one spoke. Even Gianni kept quiet. However, once they arrived back at the cardinal’s villa, his energy crept out. Grabbing the end of Fratelli’s cappa, Gianni tossed it around his shoulders, waved his arm in the air and said, “Bless you.”

“Stop it!” Fratelli hissed, snatching back the end of his cape.

After a while, Fratelli changed from his elaborate dress into a regular, red cassock. Then, feeling exasperated, he sat in the parlor, sighed and began reading a document. Dina brought hot tea and he nodded thankfully. Rodrigo came into the room, saw Fratelli’s forlorn, tired face and he stopped, thinking a moment.

“What is it?” Fratelli asked, glancing up.

“Well,” the priest began, twiddling his stocky fingers, “Your Eminence, I think you may be in need of a vacation.”

Setting the document down, Fratelli spoke:
“In all my 5 years of being a cardinal, I have never asked for nor was granted a vacation.”

“So, don’t you think that makes you even more in need of one?”

“I suppose you are right. I have been terribly overworked and tired lately…but where would I go?”

They both stared at eachother, pondering. At last, Fratelli stood, excitement flashing in his warm, amber eyes.

“I heard that Pisa is quite lovely this time of year. Glimmering seas, fine food, sunshine, palms swaying- altogether splendid.”

“Well then…” Rodrigo answered.

Like a young boy, Fratelli dashed out of the room.

“A vacation!” he cried joyously, his voice echoing down the hall, “Just what I need. Indeed!”